Turn Into
by ThighMasterTorgo
Summary: She destructed me. But I'd do it all over again because she was my first love. First love is always the love that makes you fall hardest. It's like the first time you fall from a bicycle - you know it's coming but you don't expect it to hurt so much. We swallow our first loves whole and we let it burn without thinking because we've never had our hearts broken before. Until now.
1. Chapter 1

She was a quiet girl with quiet smiles and knowing glances. She had a fierceness in her eyes and a grace in her movements. She offered little and spoke only when she needed to. Her hair was a dark ocean, shining in the night and surrounding her in mystery. Her lips were painted red and always curved into a smile, like she knew a secret. Her eyes were almost never revealed from behind her glossy sunglasses but when they were, they would knock you on your ass. Big brown pools of knowledge, that saw you, really saw you.

To the average onlooker, she was just a normal seventeen year old girl with an edge and a bit of a rebellious side. She liked to party, she liked to smoke cigarettes, she liked to dance and she liked to fight. She wore what she wanted, did what she wanted and didn't care if anybody else liked it. Yes, to the average onlooker, she was nothing more than your typical pain in the ass teenager.

But to me, she was everything.

Memories soaked my dreams. She came to me every night and I gripped my sheets, wishing it was her shirt as she smiled and tugged it away from me. My mind flashed with vivid pictures of our life together. Her painted fingernails that were always chipping wrapped around the steering wheel of her old beat up Nova. Her loud laugh that she never held back. Her whispering I love you as the moon rose up to its place in the black sky. The way her bare skin looked washed in the pale blue light of the morning. Carnival lights bouncing off her face as she smiled, letting her face split open with joy. Snowflakes in her dark hair, her grin wicked and she packed a snowball between her purple fingers. Her feet leaving prints on the shore of a cold beach, glances thrown over her shoulder, a smile hidden behind her hair.

I can still feel her hands sliding down my arm as we lay in bed, only the lights from the rainy city illuminating the room. I can still remember the way she smells, the way she tastes, the way her face contorts as she screams at me to get the fuck out.

I still remember every line of her smile, every scuff on her old boots, every color she painted her nails and every time I heard her sigh from happiness. I can still smell the last cigarette she lit before she left and disappeared.

My memory is quite well, which is unfortunate for me. While I would love to forget her as everyone else seems to do as time passes, I'm remembering something new every day. Like the time she was pissed off at me for forgetting her birthday. It was a fight I knew I should have stopped with a simple apology, but we were fighters. It's what we always did.

But that's how time works. It shows you what you should have, could have done instead and sometimes you regret it, sometimes you just have to let it go. I'm hoping that by the time I'm done remembering, I can let her go too. I'm getting tired from always remembering, always loving and always waiting for someone who is nothing more than a ghost.


	2. Chapter 2

Hi.

Some will be long, some will be short.

The characters don't belong to me. The mistakes do.

* * *

The sun beat down through the driver's side window of the rumbling car as we flew down the freeway. Some oldies station blared through the beat up speakers and the smell of salt was weaving through the thick, humid air. I hung my arm out of the window and closed my eyes wishing we weren't on our way home.

Beside me was a true vision of beauty. Her dark hair was long and crazy, black curls flipping through the open window as the sun beat down on her. Sunglasses were sitting on her nose and her fingers were tapping the steering wheel as she hummed to the song on the radio. She caught me watching her and immediately smiled, the white of her teeth barely showing from behind her thick red lips.

"I've decided something," I say, sitting up from my slouch in the passenger seat of her old Nova.

Her only response was an arched eyebrow and then her eyes were back on the road.

"I've decided that I'm keeping you. After high school, no matter what you want to do, I'm keeping you and I'm following you anywhere."

She smiled a small, thoughtful smile and bobbed her head a few times. I scanned over her body to check for any signs of distaste or nerves. They were hard to pick up if you didn't know her, but lucky for me, I knew her better than I knew myself. Her legs poured out of her short denim shorts, kissed from the sun and muscled from never being able to just sit still. Her left leg wasn't bouncing though, which was good. It was normally a sign of irritation. Her hands remained loosely wrapped around the steering wheel. No tapping, no twisting, no ticking. When her hands started to move, it usually meant she needed to get the hell out of wherever she was. Her lips were still curved into her typical secret-knowing smile. Her teeth weren't gnawing on her bottom lip, like they usually did when she was over thinking something.

All signs were clear, now I just had to wait. She always took her time on speaking, or sometimes she didn't speak at all.

She nodded minutely, glancing at me and smiling a little bit bigger. I wish her sunglasses were off so I could see the way her eyes filled up when she smiled like that but I would take whatever she gave me and that nod meant she was okay with whatever I wanted to do.

**

* * *

**

It was cold out, puffs of our breath surrounded us with every exhale and my teeth refused to cease chattering. But she wanted to be outside and I was okay with sticking with her. The night was dark and only a pool of yellow from a streetlamp down the street disturbed the black.

She was pacing, a cigarette raising to her lips every now and then as she quietly stewed. I knew she was pissed and I knew it was because of me but for one god damn time, I just wanted to put off the screaming and the fighting. We had been doing it a lot more lately and I just wanted it to stop. I wanted to go back to our vacation, where we built forts out of sheets and made love and never left the room. No fighting, no bickering, no pacing back and forth.

"You fucked up," she said lowly and it made me shiver.

I stayed quiet.

She stopped pacing and stepped in front of me, filling my line of vision with her angry brown eyes. They were lined in thick black and they looked so brown, so pretty and for a second I forgot she was even mad.

"Do you care?" she asked in a ragged whisper. We were falling apart and nothing I could say was going to change it. So I stayed quiet.

She sighed, a puff of steamy breath whishing from her mouth, and looked away after a long second. She couldn't stand to look at me, I knew it.

"You promised," she whispered again, her back to me. Her voice was breaking and I squeezed my fists, not wanting her to cry. "You promised to never hurt me, to always be my best friend."

I stayed quiet, I didn't want to mess up this night any further.

She turned and looked at me again and I felt myself shrinking away from her gaze. Nobody could look at you the way she did. She made the most mighty of men feel like squished bugs with one look.

I guess she didn't find what she was looking for and I gave her nothing. I had nothing left to give. With one last squint of her heavily lined eyes, she turned and walked away. With only a few steps, she faded into the black that surrounded us and her footfalls became nothing more than a whisper.

I let her walk away. She always came back.

* * *

**A/N**

My apologies if this is sloppy. I'm still learning how to drive this thing.


	3. Chapter 3

This one is short but I will make up for it by posting a longer (and happier) one tomorrow.

This story jumps around from past to present and then back again.

I will be posting once a week at a minimum.

This isn't beta'd so all mistakes are mine.

And as you all know, I do not own Twilight.

* * *

"Wake up, man."

I roll over and groan as my warm blanket is ripped away from me. "What the fuck?"

"Come on," he says a little louder.

I sigh and get out of bed, tugging on some jeans as he walks out of the room. Glad to see he's in a great mood this morning. It's only half past eight, Jesus Christ.

I find him in the kitchen staring out the window at the back yard of my house. Everything else is quiet and dark, my parents are gone and my sister must have stayed with her boyfriend again.

He looks at me as I enter the room and it stops me dead in my tracks. He looks so much like his sister in this moment. The anger, the frustration, the knowing. It gives me chills

"Where is she?" he asks, voice hard.

I didn't bother asking, I knew exactly who he means. "Haven't seen her since Saturday. She left, pissed off at me."

He nods, lips pursed. Neither of us is surprised. She has a temper and sometimes she lets it get the best of her.

"She hasn't been home and she hasn't been to any of her friends' houses. It's been almost a week, man. Have you tried calling her?"

He starts pacing, worry etched into his face, rigidity blanketing his body. I've never seen him freak out. He's the calm guy who can always find the humor in every situation but when it comes to his sister, nobody better fuck around.

I weigh my words and take a breath. "She's done this before. You know how she is."

"Why the fuck haven't you called her, Jay?!" He roars.

"I didn't want to make it worse! I figured she'd go do whatever and be back in a few hours. I thought she was okay…" my voice starts to raise and I trail off, trying to calm myself. I'm starting to worry. She never leaves for more than a day or two. She always comes back and even when she's away, she always talks to her brother.

But I can tell he hasn't heard from her and my mind begins conjuring up the worst possibilities. She's dead. She's hurt. She's gone forever. Something happened to my girl and I just let it. She walked away from me in the middle of the night, in the middle of winter and I just shrugged and took my sorry ass back inside.

I sink to the floor as he began cursing, trying to ignore the lump in my chest. He whips out his phone and begins calling every number in the book.

_"I think I'd like to go to the beach,"_

I shake my head, pressing the palms of my hands at my eyes. Memories of her always assault me when I'm stressed. Her voice calms me, but now it was just ripping me apart. What if I never heard that voice again? What if it's already the voice of a ghost?

_"Oh yeah?" I grabbed her hand, inspecting the freshly painted red polish adorning her thin fingers. _

_ "Yep," she popped the 'P' and leaned over to give me a quick kiss. I loved the way her lips squished._

_ "Well I'll take you anywhere, darlin'." _

_ She smiled. "As long as it's the beach."_

_ I jabbed a finger into her ribs just to hear her laugh. She didn't disappoint, her loud laugh filled the room and she dug at my thigh with her toes, trying to get me to stop. _

_ "You want to go the beach?" I asked as she begged me to stop._

_ "I do! Please stop and take me to the beach!"_

_ I removed my finger and lowered myself over her shaking body. She was still laughing uncontrollably and I caught every breath with a kiss._

"We need to find her."

I nod and wipe the memory away. I'm out of the house in three minutes and tearing away on my motorcycle in four. I'm going to find her and I'm never going to let us fall apart again.

* * *

P.S. I really do appreciate the reviews and follows/favorites/fuck yeahs. Thanks :)


	4. Chapter 4

A day late.

As always, I do not own these names.

* * *

**The Past:**

I hate school. I've only been to school for a few years now but the way my older sister talks about her school, I can tell it's not going to get any better.

I'm in fifth grade and my sister is a freshman in high school, or as my pop calls it, the low man on the totem pole. But I like school sometimes. I have my best friends Emmett and Edward and both of their sisters, who I guess are pretty cool for being girls and everything.

We play basketball a lot and even stay the night at each other's houses on non-school nights. We all live pretty close to each other, which is the best part.

I had met all of them when I moved to Arizona from Texas in second grade. Emmett was the tallest kid in my class and he scared me at first but then he was my friend when he pushed Tyler Crowley out of his chair so I could take it. He told the kid to have some fucking manners and I swear my eyes were as big as dinner plates. I can't believe he said the F word!

But that's how Emmett is. My mom says he tells it how it is, even if he does have a potty mouth. Emmett says he cusses because sometimes you just need cuss words to express the shit you feel. His words, not mine.

Then there's Bella, Emmett's twin sister. She's in the same grade as me and Emmett but she's in a classroom down the hall. She's quiet for the most part and never really talks. She likes to read and wrestle around with Emmett and play all the boy games. She's always beat up and sweaty and I kind of like it. Even though she's sweaty and covered in dirt, she still smells good. Like sea shells.

Edward is also in my grade but he's in Bella's class and everyone makes fun of them because they're going to get married one day. That's what Edward says. He loves Bella. But then she punches him in the stomach and walks away cussing about marriage and stupid fucking boys, just like her brother would.

And then comes Alice, Edwards little sister. She's only in fourth grade but I really like her. She's always dancing and talking and she says some of the coolest things. She reads a lot too but unlike Bella, she says what she's thinking. She thinks of some cool stuff. Edward calls her shrimp but I just wrinkle my nose because she looks nothing like shrimp. She looks like summer. Happy and warm and full of energy, that's what my mom says and I believe her.

We're at the lunch table excitedly eating and talking about the summer. Only a month left until summer vacation and then we're officially in middle school.

"I can't wait to be on their football team," Emmett says as she shoves some wiggly green jello into his mouth. "My mom said I can finally play once I'm in middle school and there will be some kids my size."

Edward and I look at each other and shake our heads. There's no way there will be anyone bigger than Emmett, even in middle school. Not even the eighth graders.

"I'm excited for the science club," Edward says with a nerdy smile and Emmett and I take turns rolling our eyes. He's always so dorky. Edward laughs and pushes his glasses up his nose.

Just then Bella walks by with a group of kids from her class. She has two chocolate milks on her tray and I'm jealous. I want two chocolate milks. All the kids are talking to her and she's smiling and nodding, not really saying much but all I can do is stare at her second chocolate milk, just hanging on the edge of her tray because with all the food she has there isn't room for another milk. She waves as she passes our table and I snatch her second milk. She rolls her eyes but without missing a beat, she swipes a finger in my chocolate pudding and sticks it in her mouth, not giving me a second look.

"Oh gross," Emmett says with a wrinkled nose. "Now you have sister cooties. The worst kind."

Edward shakes his head. "There's no way your sister has cooties."

"Barf," Emmett shouts. "I don't need you defending my sister because you're in looooveee with her. Get outta here Cullen!"

We all laugh then and continue our conversation on middle school. We can't freaking wait.

* * *

"Last one there's a rotten egg!"

The five of us take off running toward the pond screaming and hollering. I look over at Bella but she shoots forward, ahead of the whole pack with her brother right on her heels. He has his arms outstretched, ready to grab her and she knows it because she runs a little faster.

"Guys!" Alice calls breathlessly from somewhere behind us. "I don't want to be the rotten egg!" She always is though. She's the smallest and the slowest.

I slow down enough so Alice can run by my side and we shoot into the water together.

It's the first day of summer and we're all so glad to be out of stupid elementary school. We have a whole summer of swimming and games and going to six flags with all our families. It's going to be great.

We splash around and try and dunk each other and take turns swinging off the rope hanging from one of the big trees next to the pond.

"I'm ready to go eat something," Alice proclaims after a while. My stomach grumbles with the thought of food so I join her in getting out of the pond, my shorts all soggy. We walk back up to her grandparents house and she shakes out her dark hair, spraying me with pond water. I laugh and shield myself.

We're all spending the weekend at Edward and Alice's grandparent's house out in the country because all our parents are going on something called a couples retreat. They do it every year. Whatever.

Inside it's bright and cool and smells like air conditioning and cupcakes. Alice's grandma is baking and messing around in the kitchen. She smiles and gives us both some lemonade and little sandwiches.

"You guys having fun?"

We both nod, our mouths full to the brim.

A few minutes later the other kids come barreling in, Bella on Emmett's back and Edward trotting behind them pinching the back of Bella's thighs.

"Ow! Stop that Ed," she swats at his hands and jumps from Emmett's back. "You dorks," she scowls as she heads upstairs.

"Grandma," Edward says as he sucks down some lemonade. "Can we make s'mores tonight? We're camping out in the backyard.

"Of course little Eddie, anything you guys want." Us boys celebrate and Alice wrinkles her nose.

"Gross, camping."

"Oh c'mon, you'll have fun." I say, nudging her. She just shakes her head and stands to go find Bella.

Hours later we're all sitting outside around a big campfire as the light of day fades away. Alice and Bella are cuddled up on one sleeping bag together sharing a bag of marshmallows. Bella says they've been best friends forever and I believe it. They hold hands and share everything and talk every night on the phone. I've never had a best friend the way Bella and Alice do. My mom says they were made for each other.

"Ghost story time!" Emmett announces. The girls groan because they know we're going to try and scare them after they go to sleep. Edward and I sit up a little straighter in our sleeping bags because we can't wait for our turn.

Emmett shines a flashlight at the bottom of his chin, like he does every summer and smiles as wickedly as possible. He looks really cool but when I sneak a peek at the girls, they just roll their eyes and huddle deeper into their sleeping bag.

Emmett starts his tale of a couple in a car, making out like all the couples do in his stories and some man with a hook on his hand killing them. To this day, he still roams the woods that surround the house now. Pretty good but mine's better.

"All right, Jay's turn," Emmett says after pausing dramatically. I take the flashlight and begin my tale of the masked killer that haunts the lake of the nearby sleepaway camp. But Bella interrupts me half way through.

"You're stealing all of this from Friday the 13th, loser." She rolls her eyes. "Like I wouldn't notice."

I knew better than try to pull one past her. She's seen more scary movies than anyone I've ever talked to. She's not scared of anything.

Edward declines a turn but Bella takes one and her story is about the ghost in the attic of the house we're staying at. It's old Aunt Mable, who shot herself from a broken heart. By the end, even Emmett looked terrified. Bella clicks off the flashlight with an evil cackle that makes my spine tingle. Wow, that was a good one.

Emmett breaks the silence by suggesting a game of flash light freeze tag. I turn out to be 'it' the first time so everyone scatters as I count to ten, then I'm hot on someone's trail. I bet it's Alice, she's always the worst at tag. I can't really see who I'm chasing after but as I speed up, my prey starts laughing and right away I know it's Bella. She has the loudest laugh and she doesn't care who hears it. It's one of my favorite things in the world. But there's no way I'll be able to catch her. She's way too fast. I try anyway because how cool would it be to say I caught Isabella McCarty during tag? Bragging rights for life!

She rounds a tree and I take the opposite route and I'm only two inches away now. I leap forward as she laughs into the night and I catch her shirt. She squeals but slows to a stop because that's how the game works and she knows we play by the rules. I wrap my arms around her because I can't believe I just caught the fastest girl in our school.

"You're frozen!" I say and she shakes her head as I run off to freeze everyone else.

We play for what feels like hours before we're all heading back to our sleeping bags around the fire. We're all sweaty and out of breath but it was the best first night of summer ever.

Bella and Alice snuggle into their shared sleeping bag even though there are plenty enough for everyone and Edward, Emmett and I take our posts in our own. Everyone is out within seconds but I just lay there and look at the stars. It's so quiet away from the city and I think I like it. My favorite part of the summer isn't going to amusement parks or the go kart track. It's coming out to the Cullen ranch and just hanging out with my very best friends. I hope we do this forever.

Bella stirs after a while and wiggles out of her sleeping bag to grab a bottle of water from the cooler. On her way back to her sleep spot, I reach out and snatch her ankle and she shrieks, tumbling over and kicking at me. I laugh and hold my stomach because I've never seen her so scared before but it might be the funniest thing I've ever seen.

"Jesus, Jasper!" She punches my arm but settles on the empty sleeping bag next to mine. "It's too hot out here."

I silently agree.

Bella sighs from her place and rolls onto her back to stare at the sky. I've never really been alone with Bella, or anyone from our group really. Sometimes just us guys hang out but we're usually together at all times. It's strange not having four other people talking or laughing and for the first time I really look over at Bella and stare.

The first thing I notice is a tear rolling to her temple and then landing in her dark hair. She doesn't move, she doesn't wipe it away, she doesn't even breathe. I don't know if I should say something or pretend I didn't see it because she never really talks. Maybe she doesn't want to now.

But she's my friend so I roll over to face her and prop my head up with my hand. "What's wrong?"

She jumps, not aware I had been looking at her and then swipes at her face. She shakes her head and looks back up at the sky, but try as she might, another tear slides down her face and then another and another.

"You can talk to me, Bella." I force a smile into my voice. I had never really seen anyone cry. My family is always so happy and so are all of my friends. Or so I thought.

"It's just my parents," she blurts in a gravelly whisper. I don't say anything, hoping she'll keep talking. "They fight a lot and it scares me. My dad always threatens to leave my mom and she doesn't even care! How can you not even care that someone you've always known doesn't want to spend time with you anymore?"

Her voice is raising and she sits up with a frustrated huff. I sit up with her and cross my legs so I can face her. Her hair is long and wild and her face is soaked with tears but for the first time ever, I find a girl other than Alice pretty.

Her voice softens after she takes a couple breaths. "I'm just scared. I love my dad. I have friends that have divorced parents and they either take turns seeing their mom and dad or they don't see their dad at all. Emmett says they'll never split up because they like fighting. But why would anyone like fighting? It's so…so…so shitty!"

Bella takes another deep breath and I can tell she's finished. I grab her hand which is wet from tears and the sweat she worked up with her rant but I squeeze it anyway. She looks up at me with big red eyes and doesn't say anything. It feels funny in my stomach when she looks at me that way but I stare right back. I feel like she can see my insides. My guts, my feelings, the butterflies at holding a girl's hand.

A few minutes later she sighs and lays on her back again and I join her. "Thanks for listening. I've never really talked to anyone about except Emmett but he doesn't really care either."

"I'm a great listener. My mom always says that."

"You have such a nice mom," Bella sighs and I can tell she's smiling so I smile too. My mom is nice. So is my dad and my older sister. My older sister, Rose, absolutely adores both Alice and Bella she says. She says I have to marry Alice because we're just meant to be. I just laugh because it makes me think of Edward telling everyone he's going to marry Bella. That's just stupid, how could any fifth grader know who he's going to marry when he grows up!

"What's so funny?" Bella asks.

I didn't realize I was laughing but I tell her what I was thinking anyway and she laughs too. "Marriage is stupid but if you marry anyone, I'd bet on Alice too. Because if you don't marry her, I will." And I know she's serious.

"How did you and Alice meet?" I ask.

Bella smiles even bigger. "I knew her when she was still in Esme's belly. I felt her kick around and move too, even though I don't remember it, we have it on video. And when she was born I got to hold her when she came home. Me and Edward sat on a big sofa and held her and told her how pretty she was, only I thought she wasn't really that pretty at all. She was all wrinkly and pink and mad looking. But don't tell her I said that – cross your heart."

She waited and I dutifully drew a cross over my heart before she continued.

"And ever since I loved her. I don't have a single memory without her in it and I want to keep it that way always because all the good in my life is from her."

"My mom says she's like sunshine," I offer and Bella laughs. A real loud laugh and it makes me laugh too.

"Yeah, I guess she is."

* * *

Thanks for reading everyone. Hope to hear from you.

See you next week.


	5. Chapter 5

Posting later than I wanted to. I have a million excuses.

As you know, I don't own these character names but I do own all of the mistakes.

* * *

I love how we all lose track of time during summer. We calculate the passing of hours with the number of ice creams we've had or if it's warm enough to go swimming. I know it's a Wednesday because all of our parents are back from their retreat. They came to spend the night with us at the Cullen Ranch and they look funny, darker and happier maybe.

My mom scoops me up and gives me a lot of kisses and even though I've been busy, I've missed her. Her blond hair tickles my nose and she kisses all of my friends too. My pop smiles with his mustache and twinkly eyes and ruffles my hair.

"'Bout time for a hair cut, huh?"

I shake my head, even though my curly hair is hanging in my eyes now. I kind of like it.

We spend all day swimming in the pond with our parents. Every single one of them actually gets in the water with us and splashes around. My dad and Mr. McCarty take turns throwing us all around and I feel like I'm flying.

Night time comes with the sounds of crickets and the smell of Bar-be-que. All of our momss are by the bonfire drinking beer and laughing and our dads are standing by the grill drinking beer and smoking cigars.

It makes me smile, knowing everyone is here like a big happy family. Even Bella and Emmett's parents are happy so maybe things aren't as bad as Bella thought. Maybe they'll stay together for a long time. I want to do this every summer for the rest of my life. I can see us all as grown ups, our parents old and gray and we're the ones drinking beer and grilling and laughing around the fire. It makes me fell warm and I know I'll never let this go.

We eat burgers and hotdogs for dinner and I eat so much I can't move. I lay down on the soft grass on my back and just let my fullness be. There's no way I could even get up to go to the bathroom.

Bella comes and lays next to me, her side against my side. She's really warm from sitting close to the fire and she smells like mustard. Bella loves mustard more than anyone I've ever met.

"I'm so full I could hurl," she breathes.

It makes me laugh and I agree. I could probably hurl and feel loads better.

Alice is being chased around by Emmett, who caught a lizard or something. She's squealing and laughing and waving her arms around like a mad woman. It makes me happy to see her crazy, she's pretty even when she's scared of a lizard.

Edward sits next to Bella, his hands cupped together.

Bella eyes him but doesn't move. "If you have a lizard, you won't scare me," she says quietly.

Edward just smiles at her. "I don't have a lizard. Promise. But look."

Bella props herself up on her elbows and peeks into Edward's hands. "Oh cool!"

I sit up and look too, he caught a lightning bug. I decide I'm not too full to go hunting for lightning bugs so I get up, pulling Bella with me.

We head down toward the water because lightning bugs seem to like it by the water better than anywhere else. And sure enough, there are hundreds just blinking all around. Frogs are croaking and crickets are chirping and lightning bugs are leading our way.

Bella is running ahead of me but falls in a puddle with a big splash. There's no light anywhere and I trip over her, falling onto muddy ground. I'm worried I hurt her but she's laughing so hard she can barely breathe and soon we're all running around chasing bugs and laughing until our stomachs hurt.

We get a whole jar of lightning bugs and we keep the jar in the middle of our sleeping bags as we go around the circle telling ghost stories.

Even Mr. Cullen has a good story that scares the poop out of me.

We fall asleep and it all feels like a dream; summer is gone in a flash. We go play miniature golf and everyone insists I cheated but how can you cheat at put-put? You just can't. We go to the waterpark and slide down every slide. We go to six flags with all our parents and ride rollercoasters until the sun goes down. Bella wants to see the beach while we're in California but we're only there for a day before we drive home so we never get to go. Bella doesn't pout when she doesn't get her way like most girls do but I can tell she's sad. Her eyes move around a lot more, like she's trying to look at more stuff so she can't think about being upset.

Alice and I are rollercoaster buddies and on every one she makes me hold her hand, which is always sticky from ice cream or some other sweet she just had to have. It makes me smile, holding her little hand and hearing her scream. Her big green eyes are always so big in every rollercoaster picture and her smile is so big it makes my stomach feel funny. I love the way Alice looks. Prettiest girl I've ever seen.

Bella rides with Edward because he practically begged her too. Practically is a word I've heard Bella use a lot and I like how it sounds. She knows a lot of cool words. I know Edward tries to hold Bella's hands on the rides, but I know Bella and there's no way she wants to hold hands with anyone. She's an independent spirit, my mom says.

Emmett rides with my sister Rosalie and he says he's in love. Rose just rolls her eyes and messes up his hair and makes it a point to call him 'kid'. She's way older than us and there's no way Emmett will ever have a chance with my sister. I wouldn't let him anyway. Plus she has a boyfriend named Royce who is just really cool and he plays football. He would kick Emmett's butt if he tried anything. And I would laugh.

And then before I know it, it's the first day of sixth grade and I'm running my fastest to the bus stop to meet everyone. It's the first time any of us get to ride a school bus because the middle school is across town.

When I round the corner to the bus stop, Emmett has Bella swung over his shoulder and is singing "We Are the Champions". Edward is laughing and following them around, picking up the things that are falling out of Bella's upside down back pack.

"Hey guys!" I call as Emmett finally sets Bella down. She punches him square in the gut and he pretends it doesn't hurt but I know it does.

Bella turns to me and smiles, her face red from being upside down. She looks pretty even though she's red and her hair is nice and straight and shiny. We're all wearing brand new school clothes and brand new shoes and I've never seen Emmett's shoes look so clean. I know by the end of the day he'll have them torn up like they should be. Bella has a kitten on her shirt and I snort at it. She rolls her eyes and I know she didn't want to wear it but her mom probably made her. Bella hates wearing girly things, the complete opposite of Alice.

I think of Alice and how her first day is going. She called my house last night to wish me good luck on my first day and it made me feel happy because I bet she didn't call Emmett to wish him good luck. She was excited because her mom got her a whole new set of summer dresses to wear to school and brand new shoes. She got her first pair of Jellies, which I have no idea what those are, and she couldn't wait to wear them. Alice was still sad we got to go to middle school without her, but I think the dresses cheered her up.

We can hear the bus pull onto our street and rumble toward us and I just can't wait. We all excitedly ride in the back together because our stop is the first stop and no one else is on the bus yet except for another scared looking sixth grader. He sits in the front. Bella huddles with Edward on one seat and Emmett and I sit across the aisle in another.

But the very first stop, things turn bad. Real quick.

A group of girls get on and head straight to the back. Emmett sits up a little straighter and is flashing his biggest idiot grin. I can tell the girls are older, maybe even eighth graders, and they sneer at us as they approach.

"Excuse me," A girl with bright blond hair says. She's tall and really pretty but she's looking at us like we're a pile of dog poop.

"What's up?" Emmett asks, leaning back and crossing his arms with his "McCarty Smile" – or so he calls it. It's supposed to win any girl over.

The girl rolls her eyes. "You losers are in our seats." She jerks a thumb over her shoulders at three other girls and they all glare at us.

Emmett snorts but then looks around like he lost something. "Weird, I don't see any name plates," he says with confusion. Then he turns his dimple smile back on the blond.

"I don't want to make you get out of my seat so I'm telling you one more time. Then I'm going to kick your ass."

Bella laughs from her seat next to Edward. He gives her a panicked look but I just smile. I've seen Bella beat up Mike Newton. She can take this skinny girl, even if she is older.

"Stupid sixth graders," the girl mutters. "Now get the fuck out of my seat."

"Go ahead and make us," Bella says nonchalantly as she picks at her nails. "I'd like to see you try." She's smiling but it looks scary. Like she really could hurt somebody if she wanted to.

"Who do you think you are?"

"I'm Bella McCarty," She says, now a little bored.

Suddenly the girl grabs the front of Bella's brand new shirt and yanks her off her seat. I move to help Bella, but Emmett blocks me and shakes his head with a big smile. Edward shoots us a panicked look as he scoots to where Bella was sitting.

"Listen Bella," the girl sneers, "you ever cross me again, I'll make your year a living nightmare. Understand."

Bella laughs again and shoves the girl away. "Listen, _bitch_. I don't care who you are. You touch me again, I'm busting your face into that window." Bella points to a window a few seats down.

The girls smirks and touches Bella with one finger. And then all hell breaks loose. Bella is on that girl in a flash. The girl is already gushing blood and screaming and all her friends are trying to pull Bella off but there is no stopping her. Her fists are pummeling anyone who gets near her.

Then she pulls the girl off the floor and slams her face into the exact window she promised she would before stepping back breathlessly. I can't believe it, it was like watching the Rock lay a smackdown on WWE.

The girl sinks down into a seat, her face covered in blood and another girl tries to help her out. Apparently Bella got that girl in the eye because she's all swollen too.

The bus driver had stopped the bus during the chaos and was now ordering Bella off the bus. Emmett's booming laughter fills the bus as Bella is escorted off and she turns around with a smile, completely unscathed.

Emmett opens a window and hangs out waving his arms all around. "Ah Bella Bee, already in trouble on the first day!" He yells as she stands on the sidewalk.

Edward takes a huge breath, as if he'd been holding it in the whole time and then starts laughing uncontrollably. "I can't believe she just did that! Holy smokes."

I laugh with him. I can't believe it either. But I don't think that girl will ever need her seat back.

And boy, was I right.

By the time we make it to school, everyone is talking about a bus fight and the new mystery girl. Nobody knows it was Bella and they all want to know who it was. There are already stories going around that she's some Hell's Angels daughter and grew up with a biker gang. And then there's one about her breaking her dad out of prison. My favorite is the one where she was raised by wild dogs until she was six. It's funny that most of the people talking about Bella know her because we've all gone to school together for years. I don't think anyone will believe it was her.

Bella doesn't get to come to school for the rest of the day and I'm sorta jealous. Even though we were all really stoked for sixth grade, I'd much rather be home playing Nintendo like Bella probably is.

But our second day, Bella is here and she's in most of my classes, along with Edward. Lunch rolls around and we're in line talking about a new movie Alice wants to rent this weekend. It sounds stupid but she hasn't picked in a long time so we're all just gonna have to sit through it.

Apparently the girl Bella beat up on the bus is Tanya Denali, one of the richest kids in school. I wouldn't really say she's popular because nobody ever seems to have anything nice to say about her. Word got around that it was Bella that was in the bus fight, and she is sort of the cool kid now. Everyone knew her before but now everyone wants to be her best friend. Sorry kids, we got that covered already.

"Hey McCarty!" some eighth grader says as he walks by and nudges Bella. "See you around?"

"Oh great," Emmett says rolling his eyes. She's gonna get an ego now."

But she doesn't. Not really. Even though people want to be her friends and talk to her all the time, she's still quiet and she still sticks with us guys. She's invited to eighth grade parties but never goes and when I ask her why she just shrugs and says she likes her guys better. I would too, we're pretty cool.

We get our food and get a table and Emmett is already inviting a bunch of football players over. They all seem pretty cool and most of them are in eighth grade. A few people are sitting around Bella asking her about the fight and I watch her shrug and blush and look at her plate. I see Tanya and her friends enter the cafeteria over Bella's shoulder and I snort. Her face is covered in bandages and her eyes are bruised. She looks like an idiot but that's what she gets for making such a big deal over a stupid seat.

I watch the four idiots make their way to our table and Tanya stops, arms crossed, looking down at Bella. Bella glances up at her, no expression.

"I'm going to make you wish you never even met me," Tanya sneers when she has everybody's attention.

Bella smiles a little. "I already do."

Tanya leans down so she's only a few inches away from Bella's face, steam practically coming out of her ears. "You just fucking wait."

Bella looks at her and I'm glad she isn't looking at me like that. She looks pissed. I've never seen that look on her face and for a second, my stomach twists. I've never seen anyone make that face.

And then she looks away and goes back to talking to the kids around her like nothing happened. Tanya looks like she doesn't know what to do so she and her friends walk away. Bella's face is still stuck in my brain but as I watch her blush and smile shyly, I'm starting to think that maybe I imagined it all.

But I can see even though she's talking and laughing, there's a little bit of fear somewhere in her big brown eyes. And I silently promise that I'll help her if those girls ever try to hurt her.

Bella looks at me, her smile wide and then she raises an eyebrow. Asking if I'm okay. I nod and then scribble in my notebook feeling stupid for getting caught staring. I try to listen to the guys but all they want to talk about is sports and I just don't really care about sports.

The lunch bell rings and we all groan because we have to go back to class. I get up before everyone and slip a note under Bella's hand. She looks up and I smile before heading to gym.

In that note is a promise that I'll always keep: _I got your back. Cross my heart._


	6. Chapter 6

This one is short but I'll be posting another one soon.

Drugs and alcohol make an appearance so if you don't like that, this is your warning.

Characters aren't mine but the mistakes definitely are.

* * *

It's nights like this when I sit back and really wonder how I got to this place in life. So dark but so worth it. She's standing naked by the hotel window looking out at the rainy city below, her hair dark and wild. She looks like she did when we were younger but with something dying deep down inside her. It might be her love for life and knowledge. It might be her love for me. I close my eyes and wish we were back chasing lightning bugs and falling in puddles together. I wish. I wish, I wish.

I'm sucked into the memory of our first kiss in the middle of a smoky pool hall. Her lips tasted like tequila and sin. I licked it up like my life depended on it and it's almost laughable now. Because now I'm in so deep that I don't think I could live if she wasn't mine. Call me dramatic but she fills my life like oxygen fills my lungs.

My stomach turns at the thought of the emptiness her absence would leave behind. Though, it doesn't turn just at the thought of her leaving, it turns at the growing possibility. She could never be held down for long, she's too restless. I suppose I'm just biding my time until she moves on from me. She's bigger than the world I live in and she will realize one day that she just doesn't fit anymore. She'll need a bigger world, a better man.

I open my eyes and look over at my girl again, wishing still.

Discarded liquor bottles and drugs litter the small coffee table next to me and my fingers twitch for something to do. I eye the cocaine and the weed but I'd rather wrap my hands in her hair again and kiss her mouth as hard as I can, until we bleed. I need her to know how much I need her, how much I've always needed her. I need her to know that she isn't normal. She's a force that I'm drawn to, she controls my whole being and without her, I'm nothing.

But I don't do any of that. Looking back, I should have done a lot more.

She turns from the window, her face blank but her skin glowing from the city behind her. Her eyes slide to the table where an open bag of cocaine lays and I nod my head when she looks at me. We've always communicated like this, even before I was aware of it. Glances and smiles and nods. She never liked words and somehow I don't think I'd love her if she did. When she steps toward me, she seems to glide across the room, her hair hiding her breasts, and I want more than anything to stop these drugs and just be. God, our lives would be so good without the drugs.

But neither of us can stop. We can't stop each other, even though I know sometimes we should. The thought of never touching her again slices me open and I can almost feel the steam rising from my beating heart. She sits next to me on the couch, her naked body pressed against mine and we do lines and pass a joint back and forth. Her racing heart fills my ears until it's all I concentrate on

I hate getting too spun out because memories of better times always take over more than they already do. Memories of her scrawny tan legs and her big crooked smile. Her laugh as I chase her and the way it felt to hold her hand for the first time as she cried. I miss the way she used to let me hold her cold feet as we watched movies or the way she would look at me with her big brown eyes. She laughed more back then. She always had a big laugh that filled the world until it could burst. She never cared who was watching, she would just laugh until her heart fell out and I would pick it up and swallow it.

Before I black out, her lips swim in front of me. Her hair hangs all around and I just want to touch her but I can't move. She's so beautiful and I need to tell her but I don't. I see her lips moving with a small smile and it tugs at my too-fast heart. I can't hear her but I know she's saying I love you.

And more than anything, more than the liquor and the drugs, more than the memories of our childhood, I love her too.

* * *

Thank you all for reading and to those of you that review. I really appreciate it and it motivates me to keep posting.

Will there be a happy ending? I have no idea. These kids are just taking me along for the ride.

See you soon.


	7. Chapter 7

We've been in sixth grade for a couple of weeks now and I really love it. There's always something to do, we get to go to different classes every hour and we get lockers. I feel pretty bad ass having a locker but I pretend like it's just some normal thing for me.

I'm shoving some books into my locker and exchanging them for some others when Emmett passes by. "Hey dude!" he yells.

I jump and drop a few books, paper scattering everywhere and making a mess down the hall.

"Oh shit!" Emmett jogs over and starts gathering up my papers while I try to wrestle my last book into my bag. We're both laughing and Emmett is crawling along the hall trying to get papers unstuck from passing students.

"Hey, come back," he mutters as he speed-crawls after a girl with a paper stuck to the bottom of her shoe.

"Losers," I hear a voice smile-sing. I look up just in time to see Bella smirking as she passes us, her own books neatly tucked against her chest.

"Shut up McCarty!" Emmett bellows and Bella lets out a loud laugh that bounces of lockers and surrounds us in sunshine. I smile and scoop up the rest of my stuff just in time for the warning bell.

"Thanks man," I say and I roll my eyes as Emmett hands me all of my now crumpled papers. He shrugs with a grin and takes off at a dead run, his backpack bouncing and making him look like a complete moron.

I catch up to Bella and tug on her long chocolate hair. She swats my hand away, knowing it's me without even turning around. I don't know how she always does that.

"You excited for this weekend?"

She has a wrinkle between her eyebrows when she glances at me, she doesn't know what I'm talking about.

"My parents said it's the last warm weekend of the year so we're having a block party. We're bar-be-queing and swimming. You're coming right?

Bella nods with a small smile and ducks into her class.

**

Once the weekend is here my mom makes me help clean the house with my sister because half the neighborhood is coming over. Emmett and Bella show up early with their parents and we all play catch in the backyard instead of clean. My mom scolds me for not cleaning but I pretend I don't hear her.

"Hey guys!" Alice shrieks as she charges into the backyard. She slams into Bella, knocking both of them over into a giggling tangle of girl. We guys shake our heads and just keep throwing the ball around.

"Tell me all about sixth grade!" Alice dances up to me and tries to yank the football from my hands but she's weak and small so she doesn't get anything accomplished.

"It's way better than fifth that's for sure," I mumble and she smiles, her big eyes glowing like her soul is on fire. It makes me smile too and my stomach twirls around like she does across the yard.

The sky turns pink and it smells like charcoal all around. There are a million grown ups in the back yard drinking beer and laughing and a bunch of kids running around with gloBella is the first to get into the pool and she doesn't even test the water. She just strips down to her old swimsuit and jumps right in. Alice just sits on the edge and dips her feet in and Emmett throws Edward in. I jump in on my own before he can throw me in too.

We play chicken for a while and then marco polo and then we're all trying to pull Alice into the pool but she refuses. "I didn't bring a suit! And I just got a hair cut, I don't want it to get all ugly." Alice wrinkles her nose at me and everyone else abandons the effort.

I swim up to the side and lean next to Alice. Her freckles are darker from the sun and her hair is really short now. I like it, it's spiky and wild and it matches her insides. She said she had to get all of her hair chopped off two days ago because she fell asleep with gum in her mouth and it got in her hair so bad that she didn't have a choice. She cried on the phone with Bella for two hours after it happened and I guess I can see why. Alice's hair was black and long and shiny and she loved it.

Bella swims up and shakes out her matching shorter hair before getting out of the pool. The day after Alice had to get all of her hair cut off, Bella had her mom take her in to get all of her long hair cut off too so Alice wouldn't feel so bad. Bella definitely doesn't look as cute as Alice does with short hair but I know she doesn't care.

"I like your new hair," I say squinting up at Alice. The sun is behind her head and she looks like she's a flame.

Alice blushes and looks at her toes. "Thanks. I don't."

"Why? It's shorter than mine and it's probably loads easier to do in the morning now. And you still get to wear your bows."

She shrugs. "I like your hair. It's so curly and blond. Like a beach boy." She smiles all bubbly and gets up to go eat with Bella.

It's really late when everyone goes home and soon it's just us five. My parents let us all camp out in the backyard so once the moon is up, we lay our sleeping bags down and get the flash lights out. Everyone falls asleep as soon as we lay down except for me. I just stare at the sky and breathe in the cool night air. Even though we live in a busy neighborhood I can still hear crickets and it makes me feel like I'm back at the Cullen ranch. One of my favorite places on earth.

"Psssssst,"

I look over and see Bella sitting on her sleeping bag. I smile and she gets up, creeping over to sit on the foot of my sleeping bag.

"I can't sleep," she whispers. "It's too cold."

I laugh, there is no way it's cold. "Come lay with me then if you're cold."

She crawls in next to me and since it's a really big sleeping bag, we both fit without touching too much. She smells like mustard and chlorine and her skin is really hot. We lay on our sides facing each other and the moon makes her face light up.

"You like Alice don't you?" she asks after a while.

I nod. "Of course. I like all of you."

Bella shakes her head. "No, you like her different."

I think about it and I know I do but I haven't told anyone. It would be weird to like a fifth grader right? I think it would be.

But Bella can see my guts and she already knows exactly how I feel. She always does. "Why are you embarrassed?"

I shrug not really wanting to talk about it even though I know I can tell Bella anything. She won't make fun of me like Ed or Emmett would.

"Well I know she likes you too. Maybe you should, you know, talk or something. I don't know." Bella rolls onto her back and shivers. "I don't feel so good."

I sit up and feel her head like my mom does to me when I don't feel good. She feels really hot but maybe she always feels that way. I don't know. "Do you want me to go get my mom?"

Bella shakes her head. "No, I just need to sleep or something." She keeps scratching at her legs and it's probably from rolling around in the grass. I lay back down and scoot closer to her, my arm against her arm as she shakes and shivers.

"Did you really mean what you said in your note? That you have my back?"

"Of course. Why?"

Bella doesn't answer and I don't make her. After a long time I think she's sleeping because she stops shivering. But the sleeping bag is now like a sauna and I can't stand it anymore. My hair is sticking to my face and all of my clothes are stuck to my body. I slide out of the sleeping bag and sneak inside, hissing as the night air smacks at my wet skin. It's really dark and quiet but I know my mom will get up. She always gets up like she's not even tired when I'm not feeling good.

"Ma?" I knock on the door and I hear whispering before my mom comes out with messy hair and her big fuzzy turquoise robe wrapped around her.

"What is it Jasper?" she looks concerned and starts touching me all over. My face, my cheeks, my neck. She pushes my hair back and puts her cheek on my forehead and I push her away.

"No, it's Bella. She's really hot and shivery and she said she didn't feel good. She didn't want me to come get you."

My mom is already on her way to the backyard and kneels down next to Bella's sleeping bag. She feels Bella's forehead before getting up and hurrying back inside.

She flips on the kitchen light and it stings my eyes but I watch her frantically dial the phone. I feel nervous and sick and worried. It must be bad if she isn't getting medicine out.

Mom sighs and hangs the phone up. "Alright. Bella has a really high fever and her parents aren't answering so I'm taking her the hospital. You need to stay here and make sure all of your friends get home in the morning if we aren't back yet. Ok? There are poptarts-"

"No way, I'm coming."

Mom stops and looks at me for a minute before nodding. "Go get dressed and help me get Bella into the car.

Once we're on the way to the hospital, Bella groans and starts coughing. She didn't wake up once when my dad carried her to the car or when I fumbled around trying to get her buckled in the backseat. I might have elbowed her in the face.

We're at the hospital for hours and I fall asleep with Bella's head on my shoulder. Once she finally gets called back and the doctor says she has scarlet fever and gives her a shot. My mom makes me try to call Bella's house while she gets discharged but there's no answer again.

We drive by Bella's house on the way home but there aren't any cars out front so mom just takes her back to our house. I help her get set up on the couch and lay on the floor feeling tired and scared. I have no idea what scarlet fever is and my mom is worried because Bella's parents aren't around but she told me everything would be okay.

Bella reaches down and grabs my hand in her sleep and I squeeze hers, wishing it was me.

I spend all the next morning sitting with Bella and playing Nintendo. She seems to feel better but her skin is all white and she has a huge rash on her arms and legs. My mom keeps giving me the mom look because she doesn't want me to get sick but there is no way I'm just leaving Bella in here by herself while everyone else is playing and swimming outside.

Bella is tucked into the big blue couch with a quilt swallowing her up and I'm sweating on the cushy white carpet. I wish I could go jump in the pool but then Bella would say I just want an excuse to stop losing to her.

Sunshine is shining through the big windows looking out at the back yard and even though it's really hot, my mom keeps it that way so Bella doesn't get too cold. The house smells like bacon and Ed and Emmett are out front skateboarding. Alice left really early to go to her dance class and she didn't get to see Bella because she was still asleep.

I can hear my dad doing something out in his shop and my sister is walking around in her pajamas, laughing on the phone with Royce. I love my house on the weekends. There's always sunshine and somebody around doing something.

"You're really losing it, Jay." Bella smiles as she wins another round of Mortal Kombat.

"You're cheating!"

She rolls her eyes and starts to say what I'm sure is a witty comeback but starts coughing and hacking.

"Alright!" My mom says as she hurries into the living room. "That's enough for now." She takes the controller from Bella's hand and gently pushes her down onto the couch. "Try and rest. Put on a movie or something Jasper."

Bella picks the Last Action Hero but falls asleep before it gets any good. My mom gives us popsicles when Bella wakes up so her throat will feel better and winks as she tells us not to tell Ed or Emmett.

Bella's parents finally come by at noon worried sick after all of the messages my mom left on their answering machine. My mom is really mad but she doesn't act like it when they get to our house.

Renee runs in cooing and feeling Bella's face and worrying and saying she'll take care of her and Bella's dad stares with his mustache twitching and his eyes squinted like he's trying to look less worried than he really is. He looks really tired and old. Older than the last time I saw him. He's like Bella, he doesn't say much but he thanks my mom profusely for taking care of Bella and shakes my hand before he gets back into their beat up Ford Explorer.

On the way out to the car Bella smiles at me. A really big smile that makes my heart feel funny. "Thank you Jay."

I slug her on the shoulder, but really soft and try not to blush or do something stupid. "I always got your back."

* * *

Thanks for reading everyone


	8. Chapter 8

I re-read this chapter when I wasn't so sleep deprived and decided to make a few tweaks here and there to make it a smoother read. Maybe it didn't change anything, but that's why I chose to repost it.  
Mistakes are mine.

* * *

Summer is finally here and my favorite part of my whole life is finally happening. We're all at the Cullen ranch swimming and sleeping outside, just us. I push Alice on a tire swing and I try and make her go extra high because I love her laugh. Bella is playing catch with Ed, their hooting and the slap of the football filling the hot air. Emmett is eating, as usual and occasionally comments that Bella throws like a girl. I couldn't say what day it is or what time it is. I just know that the sun hasn't hit the mountains yet and the heat is about to bake us alive.

"Jasper Whitlock stop pushing me so high!"

I laugh at Alice's stern look and slow her down enough so that she can hop off. Her hair has grown out a little but she decided she liked it short so she is going to have her grandma take her to get it cut soon. I like it too. I run my fingers through it and make it stand up all over and let my heart fill up when she squeals and bats me away.

"You are intolerable, Jasper." She stalks away but looks over her shoulder with a smirk.

Once the sun is down we get on our sleeping bags, our bellies full of good dinner and soda. Alice is nonstop talking about coming to middle school with us next year and I'm kind of excited. I like her a lot now and I wouldn't feel so weird if I told her since we'll be going to the same school and everything.

Bella is looking at me from her spot across the bonfire and I know she sees my guts again. She sees how much I like Alice and she gives me a small smile before punching her brother in the belly for pulling her hair.

I fall asleep before the fire dies out, the sound of my laughing friends making me feel like I live inside a giant feather pillow.

We spend the summer on the Cullen ranch and riding around the country on our beat up bikes. We drink lemonade for breakfast and eat popsicles for dinner. Everyone smells like pond water and sunscreen and every night ends with a bon fire. Burning charcoal signifies the end of another day and the sound of mesquite trees hissing in the sun brings us the morning. Emmett tries to teach me and Ed how to play football but we both aren't as good as he is so he just ends up making fun of us. Even Bella is better at football than we are, but that doesn't surprise me. She's good at everything.

My mom calls late one night and tells me everyone will be going home tomorrow. I can't tell whether I'm excited or sad so I hang up and go to our last bonfire of the summer.

I take the sleeping bag next to Alice and she scoots closer to me, shivering in her swimsuit.

"We're going home tomorrow," I whisper.

She nods. "But we get to start school soon. All in the same place. I can't wait!"

She smiles, her big eyes giving me butterflies. "You're so pretty." I blurt it before I even know what's coming out of my mouth. But the way she blushes makes it all worth it. Then she holds my hand and it feels sweaty and perfect and so small. I see Ed's eyes wander to our hands and then he squints at me from behind his glasses but doesn't say anything.

We go to sleep long after the fire dies out, close to sunrise. Nobody says a thing about Alice and I being joined at the hand all night and I hope Ed isn't too mad. He has to know I would always take care of Alice.

I wake up as the morning sky starts to burn and roll over dripping sweat. Everyone else is asleep but Bella is sitting on her sleeping bag, her dark hair a short and wild mess blowing in the morning breeze. Her back is to me as she watches the sunrise and even though I can't see her, I know she's upset about something. Her legs are bouncing and her hands endlessly pick at the grass.

I stand and slowly walk barefoot through the dewy grass, hoping she doesn't bite my head off for bugging her. I can tell she hears me because hurriedly wipes her face before I sit next to her. We don't say anything for a while but she keeps ticking and I want more than anything to ask her what's wrong. I know she won't tell me until she's ready so I know there's no reason to ask.

Birds are chirping as the sky brightens, their songs always so pointless to me just as my words are meaningless to them. Different colors wash over us; pinks and oranges and purples. There are some clouds far off, hanging against the brim between our sky and outer space and the rising sun makes them look as if they're catching fire.

"I don't think my dad is coming to pick me up with my mom today," she whispers. She sniffs and sucks in a shaky breath.

I study her for a little bit, not sure if she wants to say more. She's chewing on her lips and picking at her nails and desperately trying not to cry. I finally ask, "What happened?"

She slowly shakes her head seeming lost in her thoughts. "I don't know," she murmurs. "I just...have a feeling."

And she was right.

I've seen Bella cry but I've never seen her heartbroken. Until today.

Our parents showed up really early, Ed and Alice weren't even awake yet. I was so glad to see my mom and dad and I squeezed them as tight as I could.

Emmett and Bella's mom showed up alone. She didn't say much to anyone, just told Em and Bella to grab their things. Bella didn't say good bye to anyone, she just climbed in the car with her backpack, her crazy hair covering her face, and waited for Emmett and her mother to take her home.

I didn't hear from Bella that whole last week of summer. She didn't come out to swim at my house or go to the roller rink with us and she didn't talk to anyone except Alice. I tried calling her to see if she was okay but she didn't answer.

I was getting a little fed up. How was it fair that she could listen to all my stuff and know how I felt about everything but I didn't know a damn thing when it came to her? I knew more than any of our other friends, except maybe Alice, but that didn't mean it was fair.

Speaking of Alice, she is now my hand holding buddy. We hold hands sometimes, like when we were roller skating or watching a movie. It makes me happy every time she puts her little hand into mine and I always let her be the one to decide when we should.

We have two days left of summer and then it's back to school. I'm not really excited about starting school like I used to be. I'm happier about it being over with so it can be summer again. Alice is talking nonstop about sixth grade and asking everyone how different it is from fifth grade. It's times like this that I really feel old compared to her.

We're standing in line at the movies and Alice is chattering away. She grabbed onto my hand as soon as we got here and keeps swinging it around as she talks animatedly. Ed watches our hands the whole time and I can tell he's not happy. So once we're inside and waiting for Alice to get her candy, I'm not surprised when he pulls me away from Em.

"Dude, what the heck are you doing?"

I fight the urge to roll my eyes. "Let's hear it Ed. Lay it out for me."

He runs a hand through his coppery hair, making it stand on end. That, paired with his glasses makes him look like a mad scientist. I try not to smile.

"I just…we're older than she is. She just got out of fifth grade! She's not ready for a…a.._boyfriend!_"

"Chill, I am not her boyfriend. And I'm not making her do anything she doesn't want to. So what, we hold hands. We're not doing anything else."

Ed sighs and watches his sister bounce up and down as she waits in line. "She's just so little. She's too young to be doing this stuff with guys, you know?"

I nod. I feel that way too. A lot.

"But…I guess I'd rather it be you over some loser I don't know. Just…no kissing or any of that gross stuff okay?"

"Okay."

"I mean it." Ed glares at me over his glasses. "Or I'll have to kick your ass. Even if she asks you, you do not kiss her. Strictly hand holding…and I don't even like that one bit."

I nod and smile, even though we both know Ed isn't capable of kicking anyone's ass.

Alice finally gets her mound of candy and we head in to see some new action movie Emmett can't stop talking about. I was sure Bella would've showed up to this, she loves these movies.

But she's still a silent mystery.

It's the last day of summer and way past midnight but I can't sleep even though I know I have to go to school tomorrow. A lot of things are weighing on my mind. Like this new urge I have to play with myself and the way Alice makes me feel even though it's wrong because she's younger than I am. Where is Bella and why the hell can't she just talk to me?

A sudden knock on my window scares the living shit out of me and I jump up, heart beating away. Bella is on the other side of my window. The only reason I know it's her is because of her crazy hair shining in the silver night light.

I slide out of bed and push the window up, wincing as it creaks and groans. Bella doesn't wait a half second before climbing in and crashing into me and sobbing. I hug her back as tight as I can while she cries. Her body rocks and shakes and her hair sticks to my face and she smells like marinara sauce. I have no idea what to do so I just move her to my bed and lay down.

Bella stops crying after a while but hours pass and she doesn't say a word. The gray light of the morning is starting to fill my room but I don't know if I should say anything or just let her be. It's after five in the morning and we have to be at the bus stop soon. My eyelids are made of sandpaper from not sleeping and my chest is wet from Bella's tears. My heart hurts knowing she's so sad but there's nothing I can say to make it better.

I know her dad left and her parents are getting divorced. I know that's the only reason she would sneak into my room in the middle of the night to cry.

Bella sits up and rubs at her puffy face. If it's possible, her hair is even crazier than usual so I try to smooth it down. Bella smiles as I run my fingers through the tangles. It's a sad smile but it's better than the tears.

"He's moving to Virginia," she whispers.

I nod, watching her, still untangling her hair.

"My dad is everything, Jay. He…he calms me down and lets me ride on his shoulders at the fair. He keeps my mom from being mean to us and makes the best dinner. He's my hero and my mom won't let me move…" She starts crying again so I pull her in and just let her be.

I couldn't imagine if my parents split up and one of them moved across the country. I think it would tear me apart. I have no idea what to say.

My alarm goes off, making both of us jump. "Shit, we gotta get ready for school." Bella jumps from my bed and swings a leg out of my window, but looks back at me. "Come here."

I do and she grabs my hand. "Thank you. Sorry I'm such a mess."

I shake my head and tug on her hair, bracing for a punch because she always punches Emmett when he does that. But she just smiles before climbing out of the window.

* * *

I just want to put this out there, make sure we're all on the same page. I am not posting this in the hopes of making a career out of writing, nor do I aspire to even be marginally acceptable at it. I simply post to enjoy the sense of community that sharing stories brings and because writing is FUN to me. And also, to pass the time and feel less lonely while my husband in deployed in afghanistan. (I figure it's healthier than drinking all the time, even though I still like my booze)

But thank you to those who read and take the time to review. I appreciate every word.


	9. Chapter 9

As you know, I don't own the names, just the mistakes and the story of course.

* * *

So far, seventh grade is a lot different than I thought it would be. For starters, both Emmett and Edward are really busy and I don't really see them anymore except during lunch. Emmett has made it his goal to try every sport our school has to offer, or so it seems. He's always got practice after school and camps on the weekends. He's made a lot of new friends and they're all really cool dudes, I just find it hard to talk to them because I don't play sports, or know much about them.

Edward is in the science club now, which is really cool if you're smart. He even goes to club meetings and shit on the weekends now and has new friends who are also really cool. Some of his friends are girls and they're really cute, even if they make me feel stupid when they talk to me with all of their big words and 'theories'.

If it's possible, Bella is talking even less than she did before her parents got divorced. She still sits with us at lunch and I have a class with her but she just seems to think a lot more now. I try to get her to smile but I can tell her dad being gone is really getting to her and I can't blame her. Her dad was an awesome guy.

Alice is loving every minute of sixth grade. I've tried to put the kibosh on all hand holding. I still like her a lot but for one, hand holding at school is illegal and two, she's in sixth grade and it's just weird. Maybe I'm shallow, I don't know. But I don't want her to think we're going to do more than hold hands because while I know Ed couldn't kick my ass, he could concoct a poison. And after a lot of thinking and admittedly talking to my sis about it, I've decided that while it's okay to like Alice, we should just wait until we're both older to do anything. She seems okay with it. I know that she was hurt at first but she didn't stay that way for long and now everything is back to normal.

I'm staring at the clock in English, just watching the seconds tick by until the bell rings so I can go to lunch. Bella is sitting in front of me doodling while we're supposed to be reading because she's already read the story on her own. I try to peek at what she's doodling but she just glares over her shoulder at me and I slowly sink back to my seat with a grin. I think I annoy her more than make her happy lately but she's like that to everyone so I don't take it to heart.

I write a note and slip it over her shoulder so it falls into her lap. She unfolds it, scribbles her reply and tosses it back onto my desk without folding it.

_Movie this weekend?_

_ No._

I sigh, so much for getting her out of the house. Actually, I know she gets out of the house but I don't know where she goes, I just know it's not anywhere with me or any of our other friends.

The bell rings and I'm out of my seat like lightning. Bella sluggishly gets up and tugs a beanie over her wavy hair. It's not so short anymore but it's still just as crazy. We walk to lunch in silence, just like any other day, but today I feel the need to say something.

"You're okay right?" I ask without looking at her. I can see her nod from my peripheral vision.

"You sure? I'm always here."

Bella sighs. "It's nothing you want to talk about."

"Sure it is." I tug on her arm and stop in the middle of the emptying hallway. "Why do you do this? Talk to me. C'mon, it's me."

Bella rolls her eyes and looks up and down the hallway. "It's…Jesus, Jay it's nothing."

"It's something. You've been weird for the past two months. I know your dad is gone and I know you're sad and yeah, it sucks, but we—"

"I got my period!" Bella blurts with her eyes squeezed shut.

Oh.

"I…uh…" I rub the back of my neck and swipe my long hair out of my eyes. Definitely didn't see that one coming.

"My mom is never home because she has to work two jobs to keep the house. I live with the grossest boy on the planet and my best friend – love her to death – is built like a boy and probably won't hit puberty til high school. I feel so alone and I need a bra but I don't know what kind or what to do about this bleeding thing." Bella trails off and blushes for probably the first time in her whole life.

But all I can do is smile. "Come over after school. Rose will know what to do."

"Really?"

I nod. "Of course. You'll be fine, trust me. I live with a bunch of women."

And for the first time since summer ended two months ago, Bella smiles.

*

Bella walked home with me from the bus stop and as soon as I told Rose what was going on, she hopped up from where she was doing her AP chemistry homework and whisked Bella off and out of the house.

I'm glad Rose is older and wiser. She's going to graduate at the top of her class and go to a fancy college for free because she's so smart. And it's cool that even though she's so smart and popular and pretty she's there to help me (or Bella, I guess) when I need it.

Mom is putting supper on the table when Rose and Bella are finally back. .

"Girls! Just in time for dinner," mom beams.

Bella sits down next to me and we talk school and hobbies and shovel lasagna in our mouths. After dinner, my dad goes out to the backyard to water the plants in the purple light of the dying day and mom opens the window over the sink while she does dishes so she can 'admire' him. Rose goes back to her cave to study and be smart and Bella challenges me to a rematch in Mortal Kombat.

I don't know how she does it but she wins ten rounds straight. I'm ready to challenge her to one more but she tosses her controller to the floor and wiggles her bare toes on the white fluffy carpet of my living room.

"I need to go home and do some homework," she yawns. "Thanks for dinner. And for…well everything else. As usual."

"Always got your back," I smile. "Even if it does involve weird lady stuff."

Bella laughs and I stand, pulling her up after me. We walk through the kitchen where my mom is wiping down every surface in there with smell good stuff.

"I'm gonna walk Bella home, ma."

"Oh, wait!" Mom hurries to the fridge and pulls out left overs before handing them to Bella. "Take some home. I know you love lasagna." Mom winks and gives Bella a peck on the cheek before hurrying back to her cleaning.

Once we're strolling down the dimming streets, Bella says "I love your house."

I agree with her.

"It's just so homey," she continues. "It's always bright and there's always somebody around and something going on. And it's so clean and smells like food or pinesol. You're so lucky."

"Hey," I nudge her. "You can come over anytime and enjoy my awesome house and beat my ass down in video games."

We walk in silence and I take in a deep breath of the cold winter air. It's nice in Arizona during the winter. It doesn't get too cold and the air smells so fresh. My favorite time of day is right after dinner when the neighborhood quiets down and people leave their windows or doors open and you can just see the families being families. The smell of various dinners still lingers in the air. Some kids are outside playing and people go out to water their plants. Windows glow yellow from the light inside and the sound of crickets and night insects starts to pick up. The street lights are humming and there isn't a car on the road.

"You're my best friend, you know?" Bella says quietly as we come to the end of my street. "I can tell you anything. I even told you about something so embarrassing and you didn't even make me feel bad about it. You always help me and you always care."

"Don't shut me out again," I ask.

Bella shakes her head. "I won't."

"Promise."

"Cross my heart."

We come up to her house, which is completely dark and Bella sighs. I know right now she wants more than anything to be back at my bright house with my family playing video games and watching movies and drinking lemonade. And I want more than anything for her to have that.

"I miss my dad being here at night," she whispers, a single tear rolling down her cheek.

I hang an arm over her shoulder and hug her close. "Come over anytime. Movie this weekend, I won't take a no."

Bella nods before heading up to her dark porch. I wait for her to get inside and don't leave until I see a few lights glowing from the windows.

On my walk back home all I can feel is sadness rolling around with the lasagna. Knowing Bella is alone in that dark house surrounded by shadows and silence makes my heart hurt.

* * *

Thanks for reading everyone.


	10. Chapter 10

It's been longer than I planned. I'm sorry.

This isn't much.

* * *

The night is coming to an end, the gray is meeting the black. The street lights buzz and they serve as a silver light, somewhat like the absent moon. The dimming light takes me back to a time where I could barely see my best friends as their tan skin blended with the night but their bright clothes stood out like beacons.

I sit outside in the silence of the coming night, listening, thinking too much, smoking too much. Every now and then the breeze picks up and rustles a nearby tree. I watch it, feeling like the leaves are trying to tell me something. In the industrial light the street lamp provides, I can see the leaves looking at me and every time they move I feel as if they have a purpose. I feel like every time the wind blows, it's for a reason. Maybe the trees and the wind and the world are trying to tell me where she has gone. Or maybe I'm just so desperate I cling on to any shred of hope.

I toe the unraveled hose at my feet. My mother recently watered her garden and the hose lays in a figure eight. It reminds me that my mother and my father are living on as they always have, yet this chaos is brewing in my life. When did things change? When did they stop becoming so aware of every little event in my life and just keep living as if nothing ever nothing is really going on? It brings me comfort and sadness. Life goes on, but seemingly only outside of my own hell.

I can hear children screaming with joy off in the distance of the small neighborhood. Maybe they're running through the shocking water of a lawn sprinkler or playing hide and seek. Maybe they're losing their friendships as I sit outside smoking, trying to remember when I lost mine.

The scent of recently cooked family meals floats on the warm summer breeze. Lasagna, steak, potatoes. Comfort food is floating through my childhood, yet the smell brings anything but comfort. When did I become so restless and cynical? When did I become that lone man standing in the night, watching the ember of his cigarette glow and fade with every inhale?

With that thought, I suck in another lungful of smoke, along with any smoke that breathes from the ash. I no longer feel the burn in my lungs, no longer smell the acid. I just watch the ember fade from the inhale and compare it to my life. Just burning and waiting until there is no other option but than to fade out.

To end in smoke.

I flick the cigarette away from me. A dog barks. A car drives past. The wind is trying to speak to me again. I pace the front porch and I try to push down the ache in my entire being. Not knowing where she may be is killing me. With every breath of air I take of mystery, I die inside a little more.

I find myself wishing I spent our last moments just holding her. I wish I would have enjoyed the tickle of her hair on my nose as her face pressed against my chest. I wish I would have squeezed her closer to me as she shivered in the winter air. I wish I would have known it was the end.

The worst part is knowing that defining moment. The moment where everything changed and I just sat by thinking nothing of it. 'She'll be back,' I thought. 'This is nothing.'

But I was something.

It was everything.

It was the night that changed it all.

* * *

More to come very soon.


End file.
